Understanding Lip Service
Jennifer Bingaman
I don’t feel like I was properly warned about what goes on inside an intern’s head in the beginning of internship. I have had to check my self-talk every day I’m working. I find myself questioning what I know about being a counselor. In the back of my mind, I know I know my stuff. I’ve read the books, I’ve done (and I keep doing) the internal and external work, and I’m passionate about what I do.
One piece I wasn’t prepared for when I started working at a drug treatment facility was the element of what addictions work dubs “lip service”. As I learned, lip service is what the client says to everyone when they are in the throes of their addiction. It’s not quite a lie and it’s not quite the truth. The addict believes their lies. They want them to become true. So when they say something along the lines of, “This is the last time I drink,” they truly believe it will be the last time they drink.
Knowing this in theory and listening to a client give you lip service is completely different. When I say I’ve struggled with self-doubt, it is here. I can’t tell if the client truly believes what they are telling me or if they are just saying what they think I want to hear. I tell myself to not get wrapped up in the long-term outcome for these clients. I can’t wonder if they will relapse in the future. They will. Relapse is a part of recovery.
The difference I struggle with comes from assessing how genuine the client’s attempt will be to stop using. I need to know the client’s investment in recovery to establish their stage of change so I can determine my approach with the client. Do they truly want to do the work? I simply do not know.
My feeling about it after my second week of internship is that this knowledge comes from experience. It’s the same gut feeling we get when we meet a new person and we assess if that person is someone we would like to know better. With addicts, seeing through the lip service becomes a gut feeling. While I can’t say this with certainty because I’m so green to this whole experience, I can say it in the same way I can say I know I know what I’m doing. I doubt myself at my internship, I have the internal dialogue where I say, “Should I have taken that approach?” but I always support myself. I stop the nagging thoughts and I allow myself to keep learning. It is this approach I will take as I continue to learn about things like lip service, which seems to be challenging to me. The more I listen, the better my gut feeling will become, and determining my client’s stage of change will be instinct instead of cautious appraisal.
Jennifer Bingaman is a counselor-in-training and freelance writer. She blogs about her experiences as a client and a counselor with a few life musings thrown into the mix at http://www.thepursuitofsassiness.com/.
Thanks for your comments. I believe we all struggle with question like yours.
I think you hit on one point that all of us deal with as we begin this great journey. This is a learning experience. We do not have the years of experience to know exactly what to do in each situation. However, the fact that a person cares about her fellow human beings’ welfare enough to question decisions shows that she will be looking to find ways to continually improve the therapeutic process.
It is impossible to determine the sincerity of another person words. We can only assess their determination by their actions. I worked with a teenage girl who had come to me after exiting her third drug rehab program. She got her GED, went to college, and now drives an ambulance for a living. Why did the third treatment work? Only she would know.
Hi Jennifer! Addiction counseling at times can be challenging. At our counseling firm, we have many counselors who specialize with helping people overcome their additions. While I will agree with you that experience helps in this field, I would caution on the state of mind of a sufferer during therapy. There are many therapists who falsely and quickly build the clients self-confidence up only to have it crashing down with the next negative news that the person faces. While the client says “this is the last (insert addiction here)”, deep down the client knows this is most likely not the case, but rather a result of the safe environment that is established during a counseling session. When I hear a client say those words, I ask the client to express why they feel and think this is the last time, and how they know for sure. Exploring these feelings is what is needed to help overcome addiction; however this takes time and does not happen overnight. Jennifer, as you progress with your training you will develop your own personal counseling method to help those who are struggling. Keep up the good work!
Great thoughts! I think what I like most about this is that, by engaged and active listening, internally you may actually be feeling some of the very same ambivalence your addicted clients are feeling. I’d wonder what it would be like for you to put some of that internal struggle at their disposal. “You know, when I listen to you talk, sometimes I’m trying to figure out whether you believe what you say, or if you have doubts about whether it’s true – like maybe it’s just lip service. I wonder which it is for you.” In other words, I wonder what it would be like for you to give some of that angst back to them. That way they’re wrestling with it, not you. Just a thought. Great post.
Thank you for the wonderful advice everyone! Such unique and functional ways to approach this situation in counseling. I will add all of these to my “toolbox” and use them as I move forward in this time of growth and development. It’s so nice to have the insight of other counselors.