Julie North

I have been counseling for ten years and I have learned a thing or two in those ten years. I have learned to meet families, children and couples where they are. I have learned you can’t rush progress and probably the biggest gem is people only change when they are ready. I work with families who are in crisis constantly. A majority of my cases revolve around abuse and neglect issues. These families are dealing with long, long standing issues that likely date back to their parents and grandparents. Issues such as poverty, physical, sexual and emotional abuse, lack of transportation, substance abuse issues, incest and the list goes on.

So what irritates me about this? Surprisingly not the client (s) but the workers involved in these cases. I get tired of being a service put in the home when no one knows what else to do with that client. Don’t get me wrong there are always issues but when you are only granted so much time there are only so many issues you can deal with and if the problem at the time is transportation who wants to talk about being sexually abused years ago. Chances are that client has managed (albeit poorly) to move around that wound in their life and move on. Now clients don’t always understand that some of what happens to them can be related to some unresolved issues from their past but they forge ahead.

Sometimes workers who utilize my services say to me “it’s too bad you didn’t fix that family” or “Why didn’t you fix them?” ninety-nine percent of the time they are kidding but I think there’s truth in humor . These statements frustrate me on a bad day. Most of these workers have degrees in Social Work, Counseling or other related fields but what I see them struggling with the most is attempting to wear both hats at once. They try to use their counseling skills while they remove children and that never works. Because clients see them as the enemy and who wants advice or reassurance from someone who is taking your children?

So how do I handle these negative-nellies? Usually I make a joke, agree with them, disassociate, or just walk away. I have faith in my abilities as a counselor so I know I am doing what is right for the client and myself. Because I have to live with myself and if I felt I was merely working toward getting a client to confess to something or looking to put a band-aid on the situation so a case can be closed then I need to find a new profession. Counseling is a tough enough profession without being blamed for everyone else shortfalls.

Julie North is an in home family counselor in a rural county in South-Central Michigan. She has a private practice and is currently being trained in TF-CBT and complex trauma therapies.

Julie North

The holidays are over and I survived family, cookies and Santa Claus. My clients according to them did well and managed to “get through” their difficult times. It’s a New Year full of possibilities. I might possibly lose weight, I might possibly exercise more or I might stop eating dessert. Which reminds me of the birthday card I bought my mother that had a picture of a group of woman having fun and it read-“Let loose-remember all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert.” I thought I would die with laughter. She really appreciated it.

My point is we all need to have a sense of humor with ourselves and with our clients. I am so happy when clients can laugh in therapy about things they did or said. I always say “I am glad you can laugh at that” or “it helps to have a sense of humor about your situation.” I like to laugh and I always make sure the client does not think I am laughing at them.

I have a great group of women friends who work in very similar fields to my own. We call ourselves The Bad Girls which is too hilarious because the oldest woman in the group is over seventy and the rest are in their fifties and sixties so there are not a lot of “bad” things that we do. What we do the majority of the time is eat and laugh. We all have “gallows or M.A.S.H. humor” as we call it. Sometimes you have to laugh at the really absurd stuff to make sense of it. I think that is what I can appreciate the most about these women. They are not afraid to laugh at themselves or the dumb things they have done-especially in the name of counseling. I always tell the story of a client who during my home visit asked me if I wanted a piece of his birthday cake. I said yes and when he brought the cake out to show me it was in the shape of two large breasts. What does anyone say to that???

I think what I appreciate most about my job is the people I meet and what they teach me-or show me. But most of all I appreciate the women I have in my life that I can share my good times with because we all know that counseling can provide us with enough hard times.

Julie North is an in home family counselor in a rural county in South-Central Michigan. She has a private practice and is currently being trained in TF-CBT and complex trauma therapies.

Julie North

My husband and I will be married sixteen years in a few days. We spent five years dating and that’s because we met in college. So altogether that is twenty-one years of togetherness. When I think back to all of the things we did while broke and in college its no wonder we know each other so well. We took walks, bike rides, went to parties together, did homework together, watched TV, ate tons of pizza and TALKED. We talked and walked, we talked and rode bikes we even talked while eating. Talking and mostly dreaming is what we did.

Unfortunately nobody dates that way any more. I have had quite a few clients in the past three months all dealing with relationship problems. The problem? Technology. It seems people communicate but they never talk. Talking requires facial expressions, hand movements and tone of voice. Talking is as much visual as it is listening. Too many of my clients communicate by Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and text messaging. The problem? No one seems to know how the people they talk to feels. They also don’t know if the person they are talking to is telling the truth.

I try to caution my clients about meeting people on the internet. I have had my fair share of clients leave town only to return because the person they met was not what they portrayed on their internet account. Go figure. So what do I do with clients? I have been teaching them how to date. “Ask her to a movie” I say to clients or “Ask him to take a walk with you.” I have also cautioned clients about dropping everything for someone you have never met and the response I usually get is “I have been talking to him/her on (take your pick) for six months I think we know everything about each other.”

Let me tell you, twenty-one years with my husband and I still don’t know everything about him.

Julie North is an in home family counselor in a rural county in South-Central Michigan. She has a private practice and is currently being trained in TF-CBT and complex trauma therapies.

Julie North

Sometimes I don’t think much about my personal safety. I mean I feel pretty safe everyday. I probably live like most people cautious but overall safety matters don’t dawn on me. In the last few months I have had to deal with a client who is beginning to invade my personal comfort and safety zone. In Brief the client is seeing me about DV issues and I have figured out there are boundary issues with women. That should be apparent but sometimes things take a while to sink in. I think our nature (at least mine) as counselors is to feel we can help anyone. But every time the client left the building I felt more uneasy knowing I would have to see him again.

It was the way he always TRIED to hug me (I had to establish that boundary quickly). When hugging didn’t work he wanted to shake hands, another boundary that had to be set. But what really made me uneasy is how he plotted to come back in the day and pay me when I was by myself. It was the way he hung in the doorway and wanted to apologize for trying to touch me because “I’m just that kind of person.” After that I made a phone call to my clinical supervisor who immediately removed him from my caseload.

Bottom line. Trust your instincts. It doesn’t matter if you are a male or female counselor your clients can develop crushes on you and obsessions with you. If you feel like something is amiss go with that thought. Talk to someone who can help you sort out what you are experiencing. In the end it could save you, literally.

Julie North is an in home family counselor in a rural county in South-Central Michigan. She has a private practice and is currently being trained in TF-CBT and complex trauma therapies.

Julie North

As I sit here at my computer just wrung out from a day working with clients I am thankful it is almost Thanksgiving and I can have two days off to be with my family uninterrupted. I have counseled many clients this week who have become greatly conflicted about the holidays and why shouldn’t we be?

Just look at all the articles that beg people to find something wrong with themselves or their families. There are survey’s to help you decide how much stress you have or could have during the holiday’s, there are tips for overeating, there are reminders to make sure you take care of yourself during the holidays and there are fast facts to help you deal with your family-the list goes on.

So what have I told my clients? Some clients I have told “it’s just another day”, others I have suggested starting a new holiday tradition and most of my clients I put the option on the table of not going anywhere. I mean who says we have to have Thanksgiving or other holidays a certain way? People get caught up in what they SHOULD do and not what they WANT to do.

The above advice might sound simple but I am always amazed at how many people trudge through holidays without really enjoying any part of it. As for me I baked my first pie. If my family lives through it I may have started a new tradition.

Julie North is an in home family counselor in a rural county in South-Central Michigan. She has a private practice and is currently being trained in TF-CBT and complex trauma therapies.

Julie North

I remember graduate school fondly. I waited five years before I went back to school. I was ready to go back to school and maybe that’s why I enjoyed it so much. I remember how nice it felt to have only two classes and wanting to read material as opposed to having to read the material. I also paid for my education this time around and that might have made a difference as well.

I fell into counseling by…I don’t how I just picked it out of book and it sounded good. I’m not much of a planner when it comes to my life. I just know what I want to do. I took counseling courses because it just seemed to fit my nature. I mean how hard could listening be?? That would be another blog for another time.

During my courses it seemed I always had assignments that involved knowing a counselor. I either needed to job shadow a counselor, interview a counselor or do an internship with a counselor. Bottom line you needed to know counselors or get to know counselors fast. I remember after graduating I needed someone to supervise my hours for my license and they were going to charge me 150.00 for an hour. Seriously-I didn’t have 150.00 every time I needed supervision. Since going into business on my own I understand better that counselor’s perspective but when counselors call me now I still remember my reaction to 150.00 an hour.

Today I met with a student who did not know any counselors she could call to interview for her class. A friend of mine gave her my number. I spoke with her and answered all her questions. I tried to meet her at a half-way point in her travels and I told her to call me if she ever needed help through out her studies. I have been approached by a group of people to supervise them for their hours. I told them I would for a cheap rate. They were pleased with my rate because the reason they quit going to supervision was because it was too expensive. Do we as counselors really want that to be the “welcome to the club now pay up?”

I think it’s important for us as counselors (especially in private practice) to try and make money and lots of it if we can but I also think it is important to recall how it was starting out and new counselors need direction and good guidance and paying 150.00 an hour for it does not necessarily mean you are going to get it.

Julie North is an in home family counselor in a rural county in South-Central Michigan. She has a private practice and is currently being trained in TF-CBT and complex trauma therapies.

Julie North

During my graduate classes all my professors talked about self –care. It was a term I had not heard before. I would sit in class and think “who needs self-care? It sounds like something for people who are weak in mind, who can’t handle what is put in front of them.” I also thought “I won’t need self-care I can handle my clients.” Well that line of thinking came back to bite me in the butt.

Soon after graduation I began working for a non-profit organization that housed several programs one of which was the program I worked in Outreach Counseling. I would like to qualify my next few thoughts with the fact that I was new to counseling and very excited to practice my new skills which I knew would fix any client with any problem. I also believe as new counselors we need that mind set. You can always tell “a shiny brand new counselor” they are filled with ideas and not easily deterred. That was me. So a year into my job and I was beginning to suffer. Who new that people were so complicated and that they can literally suck the life out of you.

I may not be shiny brand new any more but there are times when the fire ignites bright within me and I feel undeterred. So what do I do for self-care? MASSAGE-oh if I could go every day I would. I get a massage at least twice a month. I also run and walk with my new puppy. I have a child that makes me sit in a raked pile of leaves and look in the sky and a husband who makes me laugh. I am also fortunate to have parents who live in another city two hours away so I go and visit for the weekend because sometimes different scenery makes all the difference.

I have learned that by practicing self-care you are not being selfish. You are simply maintaining the fire that burns deep in order to be a better parent, friend and counselor.

Julie North is an in home family counselor in a rural county in South-Central Michigan. She has a private practice and is currently being trained in TF-CBT and complex trauma therapies.

Julie North

My husband and I live in the countyside we work in. My husband teaches in the town we live in. My daughter attends the school system my husband teaches in. The only spot we have not been in yet is my daughter having her father as a teacher-but we will get there soon enough. Living in a small town can be almost incestuous and not by the normal definition. A majority of the people in our town have lived here all their lives so the blood lines run long and deep. When you are transplants like my husband and myself it can be tough to be welcomed. I was looked at as a “city girl” for a long time.

So in a small town how do you do counseling? Well I’m not so sure I have figured it out yet. I see clients all the time. I see them at football games, restaurants and the grocery store. One good thing is many of my clients need a break from me so they are not running up to me wanting to talk they are usually heading away from me. My husband has kids in class who come up to him and say “your wife was at my house last night.” That makes for an awkward moment. I can’t tell my husband who I go see I merely tell him the area in which I will be in case something goes wrong. My husband has learned to say “I don’t know where my wife goes or who she sees.” Bless his heart that rarely deters a seventh grader. I guess I am stunned at the amount of kids who don’t mind shouting out in class or down the halls when they see me in school “Hey there’s my counselor or she’s my counselor she comes to my house.”

I think all I can do is roll with it. I used to be really afraid people would find out where I live and come to my house or follow me home but I think I was thinking a lot about my popularity more than the reality which is clients don’t want to see me outside of the therapeutic setting anymore than I want to see them. So what do we do? We put on our masks and dance. Meaning if I see someone coming towards me at the grocery store I begin studying the various cheeses intensely while my client walks by as if I am not there and we both breathe a sigh of relief and never mention it in a session. Honestly clients and counselors alike don’t want to be monitored or feel they can’t to some degree be themselves.

When the day is done it is important to remember I did not become a counselor to make friends and my clients should not want me as a friend so as long as we wear our masks in public the dance that is therapy goes on and that’s OK.

Julie North is an in home family counselor in a rural county in South-Central Michigan. She has a private practice and is currently being trained in TF-CBT and complex trauma therapies.