Julie North

Sometimes Autumn is a difficult time of year for me not because anything major happened but I have surmised it’s because things end. Summer is over, the warmth is gone out of the air and the trees become bare and almost haunting. In some parts of Michigan winter can be hard especially if you live downwind from one of the Great Lakes. Winter brings bleak skies and a time of retreat. But in Michigan when spring comes and friendly faces appear whole and not hid behind scarves people have a sense of survival an almost “Yeah we did it, we made it out of the bleak and into the light and warmth.” Here is a story you can tell your clients about survival, faithfulness and trying their best. The story is about three bears. I have mixed the versions from the Chippewa Indians and the Anishinaabek Indians. The accounts were so similar in the literature.

“Long ago along the Wisconsin shoreline, a mother bear and her two cubs were driven into Lake Michigan by a raging forest fire. The bears swam for many hours, but eventually the cubs tired and lagged behind. Mother bear reached the shore and climbed to the top of a high bluff to watch and wait for her cubs. Too tired to continue, the cubs drowned within the sight of the shore. The Great Spirit Manitou (man-ih-too) created two islands to mark the spot where the cubs disappeared and then created a solitary dune to represent the faithful mother bear. “

We saw these Dunes on a family vacation. They are incredible. The Dune is estimated to be about 2000 years old. It was used as a landmark by the Chippewa Indians. You can climb the dune and see for miles. You can also take a boat to North and South Manitou Islands the “baby bears”.

What I find inspiring about this story is the mother never lost faith her children would come. She never quit looking for them. Even more incredible is the baby bears kept swimming and trying to get to their mother. They never quit wanting to be with her. That reminds me of several of my families-how about you? Does it remind you of anybody?

Julie North is an in home family counselor in a rural county in South-Central Michigan. She has a private practice and is currently being trained in TF-CBT and complex trauma therapies.

Julie North

On a sunny summer afternoon my daughter who is nine said “I want to see Star Wars.” Now the Star Wars I remember as a child included Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher. I consider that to be thee Star Wars but I knew there had been a few more produced since my day.

My husband and I looked at each other and said “OK.” We have a friend who is a Star Wars geek (he knows we call him that) so we went to him and asked to borrow his Star Wars movies. He gave us not one or two movies but six Star Wars movies. I was a little behind.

We decided we would watch the movies over a few weeks and we would sit down every night at 8 pm and start. I should probably tell you my husband is a school teacher who has the summer’s off so time loses all meaning for him after June 1st. My daughter was so thrilled and I could not understand why.

We started backwards or forwards (which ever you decide) with Episode I: The Phantom Menace. We watched every one of those movies and had lots of discussion from our nine year old regarding Yoda, Anakin Skywalker and most importantly Padma Amidala a.k.a Queen Amidala. We got so involved we started to watch some of the movies in the morning before I left for work and we even skipped church a few Sunday’s. My daughter was very happy about that.

Some people might think it shameful or bad manners to choose TV over church. But you know as a family we spent A LOT of hours together just being together. My daughter planned the snacks, my husband got the drinks and I set the movie up. We found ourselves anxious to see the next night’s adventures.

Like most of you I work hard and our work is draining. But time with my family helps me recuperate and pumps me up for the next workday especially when we are sharing moments that we will always remember. These are the moments we can’t plan.

Although I enjoyed Star Wars I don’t think I will become an addict but I did find this Star Wars quote that I feel fits myself when I counsel people or maybe clients would like to say this to me “This is some rescue. You came in here and you didn’t have a plan for getting out?”

P.S. We discovered the real reason my daughter wanted to see the movie…She wanted to see Queen Amidala pregnant and giving birth because her friends had talked about it. If that logic is good enough for a nine year old I can go with it.

Julie North is an in home family counselor in a rural county in South-Central Michigan. She has a private practice and is currently being trained in TF-CBT and complex trauma therapies.

Julie North

In the Spring my family and I took a beautiful trip to a beach in South Carolina. We drove down and took our bikes with us. This was the first time we had traveled to South Carolina and from the pictures of the beach and resort it looked like we would be able to ride our bikes everywhere. Once we were unpacked and set up we got our bikes out and began exploring our vacation surroundings. There was this moment when my seven year old daughter on her pink slumber party bike and a ponytail in her hair and my husband looking tan and relaxed it hit me-WOW we are one good looking bunch of people.

All of the sudden I sat up straighter on my bike and threw my shoulders back and thought we would be a great advertisement for this resort. Once I realized no one thought we were as good looking as I did and no paparazzi was following us I came to understand the reason I thought we looked so good was because we were relaxed. We didn’t have our cell phones on, were in a new place with new things to see and we were truly in the moment.

I have blogged before about how I in the beginning of my career I thought self-care was for wimps. But over time and many clients later I now know I (we) need to be free of our everyday selves and enjoy new sights, sounds and air. I have to say it was one of the best vacations we ever took. My family reminded me of a quote from author, storyteller and humorist Garrison Keillor “Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking and the children are above average.” I truly felt on that vacation we were the best part of ourselves.

Julie North is an in home family counselor in a rural county in South-Central Michigan. She has a private practice and is currently being trained in TF-CBT and complex trauma therapies.

Julie North

This blog is meant to be funny so I hope it is received that way. After my pregnancy I suffered from post partum depression and I have since realized it is a conversation that makes many women uncomfortable because they don’t want to admit they had it or BECAUSE I had it there must be something wrong with me. Since my pregnancy I have tried to find the humor in the things that went wrong both during and after my pregnancy. This event happened prior to the birth of my daughter.

When I was pregnant my husband and I decided I would nurse our baby. So I began to figure out how that would all come together and what I would need. One of the items my friends recommended was a breast pump. It sounded good so I ordered the pump through the OB nurse. It took a few weeks for the pump to come and it was getting to be near the end of my pregnancy and I was anxious to get all my things in order. I started calling the nurse and for over three weeks she did not return my calls. Eventually I reached her at home and the conversation went like this, “Hello this is Julie”, “Yeah” (said snottily), “I am calling about my breast pump”, “Oh, (said with some relief) my husband is having an affair and the woman he is seeing is named Julie and I thought you were her” Well….what do you say after hearing a statement like that? I tried my best not to sound confused because I would like to think I would not spill my business to a complete stranger but as a therapist I know sometimes strangers are easier to talk to.

A few weeks later after I gave birth I was struggling with nursing and depression. I called my doctor and he saw me the next day. When I got into the examination room I put on the gown and my breasts were leaking and I was crying and the nurses had my baby (because they all knew why I was there) and I began telling the doctor the trouble I was having nursing and he asked “have you spoken to your nurse at the hospital?” and I replied through tears “I guess her husband is having an affair and she isn’t very helpful lately.” And the doctor said in all seriousness “well I think that is over with now.” When I left the doctor’s office that was one thing I could laugh about—my doctor trying to pretend that he was not mortified that his patient knew the scuttle-butt of the hospital.

Eight months later my depression lifted and I began to feel “normal for me”. I have to laugh at the fact that my depression was taking a back seat to this nurse’s marital problems. Post partum can be serious—I don’t think mine was (as in wanting to take my life or the life of my child) but it was serious enough for me—and over time I have tried to piece that time in my life back together to make some sort of sense of it and luckily with some of the memories come great stories like this one.

Julie North is an in home family counselor in a rural county in South-Central Michigan. She has a private practice and is currently being trained in TF-CBT and complex trauma therapies.

Julie North

I have been counseling for ten years and I have learned a thing or two in those ten years. I have learned to meet families, children and couples where they are. I have learned you can’t rush progress and probably the biggest gem is people only change when they are ready. I work with families who are in crisis constantly. A majority of my cases revolve around abuse and neglect issues. These families are dealing with long, long standing issues that likely date back to their parents and grandparents. Issues such as poverty, physical, sexual and emotional abuse, lack of transportation, substance abuse issues, incest and the list goes on.

So what irritates me about this? Surprisingly not the client (s) but the workers involved in these cases. I get tired of being a service put in the home when no one knows what else to do with that client. Don’t get me wrong there are always issues but when you are only granted so much time there are only so many issues you can deal with and if the problem at the time is transportation who wants to talk about being sexually abused years ago. Chances are that client has managed (albeit poorly) to move around that wound in their life and move on. Now clients don’t always understand that some of what happens to them can be related to some unresolved issues from their past but they forge ahead.

Sometimes workers who utilize my services say to me “it’s too bad you didn’t fix that family” or “Why didn’t you fix them?” ninety-nine percent of the time they are kidding but I think there’s truth in humor . These statements frustrate me on a bad day. Most of these workers have degrees in Social Work, Counseling or other related fields but what I see them struggling with the most is attempting to wear both hats at once. They try to use their counseling skills while they remove children and that never works. Because clients see them as the enemy and who wants advice or reassurance from someone who is taking your children?

So how do I handle these negative-nellies? Usually I make a joke, agree with them, disassociate, or just walk away. I have faith in my abilities as a counselor so I know I am doing what is right for the client and myself. Because I have to live with myself and if I felt I was merely working toward getting a client to confess to something or looking to put a band-aid on the situation so a case can be closed then I need to find a new profession. Counseling is a tough enough profession without being blamed for everyone else shortfalls.

Julie North is an in home family counselor in a rural county in South-Central Michigan. She has a private practice and is currently being trained in TF-CBT and complex trauma therapies.

Julie North

The holidays are over and I survived family, cookies and Santa Claus. My clients according to them did well and managed to “get through” their difficult times. It’s a New Year full of possibilities. I might possibly lose weight, I might possibly exercise more or I might stop eating dessert. Which reminds me of the birthday card I bought my mother that had a picture of a group of woman having fun and it read-“Let loose-remember all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert.” I thought I would die with laughter. She really appreciated it.

My point is we all need to have a sense of humor with ourselves and with our clients. I am so happy when clients can laugh in therapy about things they did or said. I always say “I am glad you can laugh at that” or “it helps to have a sense of humor about your situation.” I like to laugh and I always make sure the client does not think I am laughing at them.

I have a great group of women friends who work in very similar fields to my own. We call ourselves The Bad Girls which is too hilarious because the oldest woman in the group is over seventy and the rest are in their fifties and sixties so there are not a lot of “bad” things that we do. What we do the majority of the time is eat and laugh. We all have “gallows or M.A.S.H. humor” as we call it. Sometimes you have to laugh at the really absurd stuff to make sense of it. I think that is what I can appreciate the most about these women. They are not afraid to laugh at themselves or the dumb things they have done-especially in the name of counseling. I always tell the story of a client who during my home visit asked me if I wanted a piece of his birthday cake. I said yes and when he brought the cake out to show me it was in the shape of two large breasts. What does anyone say to that???

I think what I appreciate most about my job is the people I meet and what they teach me-or show me. But most of all I appreciate the women I have in my life that I can share my good times with because we all know that counseling can provide us with enough hard times.

Julie North is an in home family counselor in a rural county in South-Central Michigan. She has a private practice and is currently being trained in TF-CBT and complex trauma therapies.

Julie North

My husband and I will be married sixteen years in a few days. We spent five years dating and that’s because we met in college. So altogether that is twenty-one years of togetherness. When I think back to all of the things we did while broke and in college its no wonder we know each other so well. We took walks, bike rides, went to parties together, did homework together, watched TV, ate tons of pizza and TALKED. We talked and walked, we talked and rode bikes we even talked while eating. Talking and mostly dreaming is what we did.

Unfortunately nobody dates that way any more. I have had quite a few clients in the past three months all dealing with relationship problems. The problem? Technology. It seems people communicate but they never talk. Talking requires facial expressions, hand movements and tone of voice. Talking is as much visual as it is listening. Too many of my clients communicate by Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and text messaging. The problem? No one seems to know how the people they talk to feels. They also don’t know if the person they are talking to is telling the truth.

I try to caution my clients about meeting people on the internet. I have had my fair share of clients leave town only to return because the person they met was not what they portrayed on their internet account. Go figure. So what do I do with clients? I have been teaching them how to date. “Ask her to a movie” I say to clients or “Ask him to take a walk with you.” I have also cautioned clients about dropping everything for someone you have never met and the response I usually get is “I have been talking to him/her on (take your pick) for six months I think we know everything about each other.”

Let me tell you, twenty-one years with my husband and I still don’t know everything about him.

Julie North is an in home family counselor in a rural county in South-Central Michigan. She has a private practice and is currently being trained in TF-CBT and complex trauma therapies.

Julie North

Sometimes I don’t think much about my personal safety. I mean I feel pretty safe everyday. I probably live like most people cautious but overall safety matters don’t dawn on me. In the last few months I have had to deal with a client who is beginning to invade my personal comfort and safety zone. In Brief the client is seeing me about DV issues and I have figured out there are boundary issues with women. That should be apparent but sometimes things take a while to sink in. I think our nature (at least mine) as counselors is to feel we can help anyone. But every time the client left the building I felt more uneasy knowing I would have to see him again.

It was the way he always TRIED to hug me (I had to establish that boundary quickly). When hugging didn’t work he wanted to shake hands, another boundary that had to be set. But what really made me uneasy is how he plotted to come back in the day and pay me when I was by myself. It was the way he hung in the doorway and wanted to apologize for trying to touch me because “I’m just that kind of person.” After that I made a phone call to my clinical supervisor who immediately removed him from my caseload.

Bottom line. Trust your instincts. It doesn’t matter if you are a male or female counselor your clients can develop crushes on you and obsessions with you. If you feel like something is amiss go with that thought. Talk to someone who can help you sort out what you are experiencing. In the end it could save you, literally.

Julie North is an in home family counselor in a rural county in South-Central Michigan. She has a private practice and is currently being trained in TF-CBT and complex trauma therapies.